Self-criticism? How to stop. One step at the time.

Written By Lilach Cohen
If you are anything like me, the smallest mistakes can sometimes lead to a pretty heavy round of self-criticism and harmful-talk. I forget to forgive myself for my mistakes and get carried away blaming myself for everything that happens to me. Uncon…

If you are anything like me, the smallest mistakes can sometimes lead to a pretty heavy round of self-criticism and harmful-talk. I forget to forgive myself for my mistakes and get carried away blaming myself for everything that happens to me. Unconsciously, I then look for ways to punish myself for messing up, to quiet the inner critic voice in my head.

What is self-criticism? ‘I hate myself’, ‘I am fat’, ‘I am such a failure, I can’t do anything right’, ‘I feel like a fraud'. These emotional attacks, critical inner voices or self-criticisms are evaluations of oneself, that originate in negative early life experiences.

We may believe that self-criticism is what motivates us to complete tasks and achieve goals but, studies have shown that harsh emotional attacks can eventually lead to physical illnesses, this is what happened to my Mother. The increase of stress and anxiety impacts on our blood pressure and physical wellness. Unfortunately, Mum passed after eight years of suffering from cancer. 

Research also has shown that people who blame themselves are more likely to become depressed and give up on personal growth. If you already feel worthless, alone and incomplete, you may also feel that there is no point of being better the next time, which increases procrastination and stops you from progressing your goals.

However, despite the negative self-criticism, the good news is, now that we know that harsh emotional attacks can eventually lead to physical illnesses, we can do something about it. Or we can at least try to quiet our inner critic and be kind to ourselves. One small step at the time. 

We can turn the negative self-talk, that has been ingrained in us since our early childhood and challenge it, into compassionate self-awareness. When something goes wrong in your life, say it with Love. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or a young child. 'It's ok to be different'. 'It's ok to make mistakes while learning'. 'No one said that you have to be perfect'. 

Self-awareness requires a shift in the way we think and talk to ourselves. Being more optimistic about your self is the first step. Instead of feeling bad about yourself the next time you binge, consider learning from it and set a goal to be more aware of the feelings that cause you to want to eat to much. Ask yourself 'Am I hungry?' What is the feeling?' Why do I have the need?' That is mindfulness, self-compassion.

Start journaling your feelings, write down anything you feel bad about yourself, anything you judge yourself for and any experiences that have caused you pain. Notice how you feel. 

We must learn to challenge our inner critic. How you are feeling indicates what you are thinking, which creates things or behaviours, in your life. Negative thoughts create negative things or actions. For example: "I hate myself” is a fairly common …

We must learn to challenge our inner critic. How you are feeling indicates what you are thinking, which creates things or behaviours, in your life. Negative thoughts create negative things or actions. For example: "I hate myself” is a fairly common and harsh thought, and binge eating, is just one of many negative responses that immediately happen after we finish thinking self-hatred thoughts. 

It is not about analysing what you are thinking, it is just noticing how you feel. And if you are feeling less then great, then know that your mind is focusing on things that you don't want in your life. So, instead of going to the fridge and reaching for "comforting foods", take a moment to practice using your kindness and compassion towards yourself. Think about the language you are using and try to differentiate between the inner critic voice and the compassionate, caring therapeutical voice. 

Voice Therapy is a process that can be used to help people identify and challenge their critical inner voice. The process involves developing insight into the sources of these critical thoughts, then answering back to these attacks with a more compassionate and realistic point of view toward yourself. 

Ask yourself, 'would I behave like that towards my friend or towards my child?' would I talk to them this way?'. Try to break down the destructive thoughts and attitudes you have internalised toward yourself, for example: 'I am so fat, I can't stop …

Ask yourself, 'would I behave like that towards my friend or towards my child?' would I talk to them this way?'. Try to break down the destructive thoughts and attitudes you have internalised toward yourself, for example: 'I am so fat, I can't stop eating'. Think about the most supportive message you can think of that is in line with your goals and what you hope to achieve? For example: 'I am working on losing access weight and I am choosing healthy nutritious foods for my mind-body and soul.' or 'Yes, sometimes I overeat, and this is ok, I am not fat I am just a few pounds more than what I would like to be. I am working on losing excess weight and today I am making a conscious choice to not overeat after dinner. I finish my last meal at 7 pm'. Write it down and put it somewhere where you can see every day. 

You can also try challenging destructive behaviours. If you feel the need walking towards the fridge after 7 pm, you can say to your-self something nice, like: 'You have such a big heart. I am such a good, kind, loving person. I care for others more than I care about myself. I am beautiful from the inside out, and I deserve to be kind to myself! I love myself, so instead of shoving foods down my throat unconsciously, I will have a cup of tea or a glass of water. I am not hungry, I am ok!'

Connectedness with oneself can help us to see and recognise the destructive enemy voice, self-criticism for what it is. We often mistake it for our real point of view, and we believe what it tells us about ourselves. When we listen to our inner self…

Connectedness with oneself can help us to see and recognise the destructive enemy voice, self-criticism for what it is. We often mistake it for our real point of view, and we believe what it tells us about ourselves. When we listen to our inner self-critic, we give it power over our lives.

Mindfulness or the consciousness of the mind can help us to give up the patterns of defence we formed as young children. When we choose to understand our own beliefs, values and ideals, we can then separate our self-critical voices and see them for what they are. A reflection of the things we fear. Self-kindness or self-compassion allows us to know ourselves better, to understand who we are and what we are capable of and lead our lives in peace and with integrity. 

Sources:

Lilach Cohen
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